I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
