Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
