I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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