i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
