when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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