Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize