i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
