eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
time to smoke my breakfast
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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