he thought i was a dude.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
