nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
