Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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