dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
