You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
