who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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