My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
