a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
then he tried to convert me to islam
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
