I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
