Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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