at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
