Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
