Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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