Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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