i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
