My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
