Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
