It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
