Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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