New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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