what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
