I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got a message the other day that just said “great titsâ€
A gentleman AND a scholar
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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