I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
