I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
PANTIES FOUND
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