Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
