I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Man, jail baloney is awful.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
