it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Panties = found
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
