speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
