That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
