im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
