can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
