I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
