While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
