WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
