Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
