it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
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