Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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