I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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