seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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