My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
