Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
