a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
