I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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