i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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