i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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