the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
