It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
