I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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