He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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